I admit I like control. I think it is safe to say I come from family of strong women who, yes, we like to have control. Often I would think of it as being attentive to our children or spouses. It is because we care so much for them, which is true and a good thing. However, it is very hard to handle when our plans don't fall into place. Needless to say I do not do well with Plan B's ( or C or d for that matter!)
I remember when we both realized we were called to full time ministry. That was a hard one. Oh I struggled, I cried, I was even angry for a while. But we listened and 'let go" and went. In my head and heart all I asked was that my family be safe. That this wouldn't affect my kids negatively. As I write a lot of feeling come to the surface but I won't go into them. The bottom line is my kids were not kept safe. God didn't do what I wanted him to do and I just don't get why. These are my kids. They did nothing wrong. They are good kids. So I took control. I left ministry before they could be hurt more and that was before I even knew how much they were affected. ( only one of the reasons for leaving) I do understand that the hurt caused was by people not God. However, the question always lingers as to why He allowed it. When this plan b seemed to fall apart I was very angry( and still dealing with this). ( could write more on was this my plan, God's plan..... but will not today)
Anyhow..... so how now do I trust and let go believing that God will come through? Even though Plan B was going into ministry I grew to love that Plan B. Even though I choose to leave, I felt I had to leave for a lot of reasons. So I guess now we are in Plan C. And what do I do what that? I have been trying to 'keep control." It's not working. I have tried to "fix" the wrong done to our family and can't. I have tried to think of ways to go back to Plan B but that doesn't work either. So I do not have any control, which makes me angry, disappointed and fearful for the future.
So today's readings were tough for me. One quote really struck home.
" Your dreams may not be happening and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control, it just means you're not in control."
It so feels like it is spinning out of control. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming, the anger is crippling. So I keep reading. Another one:
"When life doesn't turn out the way you thought it was going to turnout, you may think your losing control. But the truth is you never had control in the first place. The only thing you control is how you respond to your disappointments and your unexpected obstacles."
He goes on to say that you can react in three ways:
1. allow the fear, anger disappointment to control you. (will affect everyone and everything around you)
2. Keep trying harder ( wear yourself out)
3. Let it be and let God be in control ( trust)
So..... good words to read. throughout we are reminded to remember when God was faithful. To look for those signs in the midst of the hard times.
I will keep praying for more trust. For me this is the only option. I do know that there is a God. He has been faithful to me and my family many times. I still don't have answers. I will continue to pray for my family and maybe stop trying so hard to "fix" the things that only God can heal. I will try to live in this Plan right now and accept it, trusting God with our future.
There was a prayer written at the end of this chapter that I will leave you with. I really liked it and think it sums up a lot of what I am feeling today.
Father, it is so difficult to let go of my own plan for my life and surrender to your plan B. Please help me learn to stop grasping for control. Help me let go of the anger , pain, disappointment and fear that have overtaken me and negatively impacted my life. Help me learn to respond to you with a willing heart. I trust you ,Lord. Please increase my trust. I ask that you walk closely with me through this week and continue the healing process that will help me to walk freely and joyfully in your plan B. I ask these things in the name of Jesus.
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