Let it be

Well.... I continue my study based on the book Plan b. The first session was nice. I can handle reading about hope. But this session was about control. Not so nice.

I admit  I like control. I think it is safe to say I come from family of strong women who, yes, we like to have control.  Often I would think of it as being attentive to our children or spouses. It is because we care so much for them, which is true and a good thing. However, it is very hard to handle when our plans don't fall into place. Needless to say I do not do well with Plan B's ( or C or d for that matter!)

I remember when we both realized we were called to full time ministry. That was a hard one. Oh I struggled, I cried, I was even angry for a while. But we listened and 'let go" and went. In my head and heart all I asked was that my family be safe. That this wouldn't affect my kids negatively. As I write a lot of feeling come to the surface but I won't go into them. The bottom line is my kids were not kept safe. God didn't do what I wanted him to do and I just don't get why. These are my kids. They did nothing wrong. They are good kids. So I took control. I left ministry before they could be hurt more and that was before I even knew how much they were affected. ( only one of the reasons for leaving) I do understand that the hurt caused was by people not God. However, the question always lingers as to  why He allowed it. When this plan b seemed to fall apart I was very angry( and still dealing with this). ( could write more on was this my plan, God's plan..... but will not today)

Anyhow..... so how now do I trust and let go believing that God will come through? Even though Plan B was going into ministry I grew to love that Plan B. Even though I choose to leave, I felt I had to leave for a lot of reasons. So I guess now we are in Plan C. And what do I do what that? I have been trying to 'keep control."  It's not working. I have tried to "fix" the wrong done to our family and can't. I have tried to think of ways to go back to Plan B but that doesn't work either. So I do not have any control, which makes me angry, disappointed and fearful for the future.

So today's readings were tough for me. One quote really struck home.

" Your dreams may not be happening and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control, it just means you're not in control."

It so feels like it is spinning out of control. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming, the anger is crippling. So I keep reading. Another one:

"When life doesn't turn out the way you thought it was going to turnout, you may think your losing control. But the truth is you never had control in the first place. The only thing you control is how you respond to your disappointments and your unexpected obstacles." 

He goes on to say that you can react in three ways:

1. allow the fear, anger disappointment to control you. (will affect everyone and everything around you)

2. Keep trying harder ( wear yourself out)

3. Let it be and let God be in control ( trust)

So..... good words to read. throughout we are reminded to remember when God was faithful. To look for those signs in the midst of the hard times. 

I will keep praying for more trust. For me this is the only option. I do know that there is a God. He has been faithful to me and my family many times. I still don't have answers. I will continue to pray for my family and maybe stop trying so hard to "fix" the things that only God can heal. I will try to live in this Plan right now and accept it, trusting God with our future. 

There was a prayer written at the end of this chapter that I will leave you with. I really liked it and think it sums up a lot of what I am feeling today.

Father, it is so difficult to let go of my own plan for my life and surrender to your plan B. Please help me learn to stop grasping for control. Help me let go of the anger , pain, disappointment and fear that have overtaken me and negatively impacted my life. Help me learn to respond to you with a willing heart. I trust you ,Lord. Please increase my trust. I ask that you walk closely with me through this week and continue the healing process that will help me to walk freely and joyfully in your plan B. I ask these things in the name of Jesus. 

Holding on to Hope

Yesterday I went to the christian bookstore, knowing I had a few days off ahead of me and wanting to take time to do a real good study. I knew my soul needed it. As I looked around a book called "Plan B" caught my attention. It had a study guide with it too ( and was really on sale!) The one line on the front of the book resonated with my heart. " When God doesn't show up the way you though He would."  Well, I bought it. So glad I did. As I read the first chapter and watched the first video segment I thought how nice and refreshing to hear a pastor state that it is okay to question God when dreams are shattered, when bad things happen. I have always loved the Psalm's of David, his honesty, his anger and his grief that he lets God hear. The author of this book, Pete Wilson, so far has drawn from the psalms.  The thought that most of us at some point in life have felt this way. The wondering why the plans we thought ( and for many of us we thought God had for us too) were meant to be just don't happen or fall apart. Sometimes it is because of our own choices, but many times it is not. So for those that say 'you just weren't trusting enough' or ' you are being punished' they I don't think know their theology that well. Like the young couple whose baby dies hours after being born or the broken marriage because one partner cheated. Or the child who chooses a bad path even after much love and support. These are questions that I don't think anyone has answers for. 

These questions can cause us to doubt God, doubt his goodness and love. This is normal. This study is to help a person reflect and name their anger and doubt, to be honest with themselves, God and a caring community.  To take time and walk through the hurt, but also keep crying out, seeing how God has been faithful and trusting that he will continue to be faithful for the future and especially during the storms.

One thing in the first segment that really struck me was the pastors honesty with it isn't so much that he doesn't believe in God. He knows he is real and experience his love and grace too many times to not believe. It is believing that a loving God would allow so much pain and suffering. Especially when people are trusting. How do you wrestle with this? That is where I am at and have been for awhile. 

I believe I am totally in a 'plan b" for my life. This is not where I expected to be.  Some because of my own choices, but other things that were totally out of my control and things I would not have expected or wanted for me and my family. There has been alot of pain in the last few years ( yes before we left ministry too so this is not because we left ministry) Some of the pain is from what happened while in ministry which causes me to question why wasn't God protecting my family. Actually, looking back I see coming 'home' has allowed for the hurt to come to the surface and be named so what I saw as a hard time ( leaving full time ministry) actually allowed for truth to surface and hopefully we are on a road to healing ( although it doesn't feel like it)as a family. 

I would recommend this book to everyone, especially those who need reminding that it is ok to be honest  to keep crying out to God. 

 

Psalm 142:13 spoke to me today

" I cry out tot he Lord/I plead for the Lord's mercy/I pour out my complaints before him/I tell him my troubles/when I am overwhelmed You alone know the way  I should turn."

I also found a song ( kind of by accident while looking for another one) but this one is so good. Maybe it will speak to your heart too.  

I am thankful for the glimpses of sunshine. I realize there are still storms to come but I am grateful for how I have seen God's hand many times during these last few years. 

"Your hand is still holding me even when I don't believe."

http://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw

If anyone is interested in maybe doing this study with me just let me know.Would be glad to share. 

Jen Loner

A Long Hard Winter in more than one way!!

Well.... since I wrote last at the end of August, a lot has happened. Really all since January. This last season was not only a long hard winter weather wise but emotionally for the Loner household.

Alicia did get through her first year of University and loved it! She is taking an extra intensive course next week so will be home the middle of May. She did get home for just about a month at Christmas which was great! She has made many new friends and kept wonderful old friendships. It is an answer to prayer how much she has enjoyed her year.

Cory is doing well, although has had rough winter. Thankfully he asked for help and we were able to get him on track and he is doing much better. He has a job interview this Sunday which we are really praying he gets at the local YMCA.  His health has been okay, although the last check up there are some new polyps growing so he will be having another ct scan to assess what is happening. It is not like it was before so that is good. He may need surgeries every once in while throughout his life to ensure the infection does not come back like before. Trying to look at the bright side that at least they will be able to control it. He says he is feeling well. He will be going into grade 12 next year!! Thinking about our local college Loyalist.

Paul and I are waiting to get our on our bike. A couple of small trips ( but too cold) and then April hit us with a few storms in our life so we haven't been out.  The beginning of April was when Cory really needed help. Then our step dad Doug who was battling cancer, became worse very quickly and passed away on April 15th. In the midst of this our precious puppy Zacchaues had been getting sicker. It started with a little lump on his nose which we thought got better with meds, however after Christmas it was back. He was on meds again for a longer time. It did not get better. We think it was cancer. The vet agreed that it most likely was cancer and nothing we could do for him. He was in pain and not enjoying life.

It just felt like, in all of this, God was far away. I was very angry. I had prayed for my boy continually and he still was struggling. Why wasn't God listening? I know, even as I write this some of the answers people may have for me. But for me at that time I was so frustrated. Then to watch my mother in law, who is so amazing struggle with her memory and losing her partner. She is one of the most compassionate and loving people I know. So hard to see her struggle. Then my puppy. I know he is a dog, but to us he was part of our family. We got him during a tough time in ministry and he so made us laugh. He was so loving. He was only 10. In the middle of all of this hearing also that Cory is not all better physically and will have to deal with the sinus issues all his life. Just a bit too much.

Thankfully I had some wonderful people in my life who supported me and loved me.  They didn't give the typical answers like " it happens for a reason", or " this will make you stronger." Those answers do not even come close to giving any comfort when you are hurting bad. What did help was them constantly reaching out saying I care. Just listening and not telling me as I wrong to feel what I was feeling.  Yes, they still reminded me that God has not left me, but not only with words but in practical ways.

One friend, who didn't even know all my thoughts as I had not replied to her messages or calls, felt that God was telling her to write me a letter. When I finally did talk to her she asked to share the letter which she had written the week before. This was at my low point which was at the beginning of the month. I was pretty mad at God and didn't see an end to the hurt and hard times.  I still loved God, just was mad. Her letter was so right on the mark to what I had been saying privately to God. The letter confirmed God heard me and still loved me dearly.There is no way she knew herself to write that. I am so thankful that my friend cared, listened and took time to share with me.

We managed to weather the storm with Cory, been able to be with Noreen as Doug passed and care for family and yesterday say good bye to our precious puppy.

I am thankful that my mom in law seems to be doing better now. Cory is doing much better. Alicia will be home soon for a bit. We did put our puppy down yesterday which was harder than I thought it would be, but we didn't want him in pain. I am trying to focus on the 10 years of fun we had with him. We still have Maximus who seems to be doing okay without his buddy.

I guess one of things the I have learned through this tough season is the importance of taking time for those around you that are in their own storm and the importance of letting others help you when you are in yours. To really be aware when God is nudging you to help another person. I am so thankful for those that kept caring. I still have a lot of questions for God, but I know without a doubt, that he was with me each step through those beautiful women in my life who loved me for me.

And of course I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who never leaves my side. Who walks with me in this time of grief and loss as my partner and allows himself to also feel and be real. Trying hard to just stick together, cry together and hopefully start laughing together again. Hopefully May will not only bring sunshine and warm weather but sunshine for our souls.

I guess my point of sharing is to give hope to those who may be walking in the midst of loss and hard times. Keep crying out to God. He does hear. He does care. If you need someone just to listen I can do that. I have no answers, but I care.

Also to remind us to look for those that need that person just to love them. Just a hug or a phone call can make such a difference.  A meal brought over is awesome when families are struggling.

And most of all remember God hearts grieves with ours. He can hold us up when we feel our legs ( and our hearts) giving out.

Isaiah 41:10, 13 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand … For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”