Let it be

Well.... I continue my study based on the book Plan b. The first session was nice. I can handle reading about hope. But this session was about control. Not so nice.

I admit  I like control. I think it is safe to say I come from family of strong women who, yes, we like to have control.  Often I would think of it as being attentive to our children or spouses. It is because we care so much for them, which is true and a good thing. However, it is very hard to handle when our plans don't fall into place. Needless to say I do not do well with Plan B's ( or C or d for that matter!)

I remember when we both realized we were called to full time ministry. That was a hard one. Oh I struggled, I cried, I was even angry for a while. But we listened and 'let go" and went. In my head and heart all I asked was that my family be safe. That this wouldn't affect my kids negatively. As I write a lot of feeling come to the surface but I won't go into them. The bottom line is my kids were not kept safe. God didn't do what I wanted him to do and I just don't get why. These are my kids. They did nothing wrong. They are good kids. So I took control. I left ministry before they could be hurt more and that was before I even knew how much they were affected. ( only one of the reasons for leaving) I do understand that the hurt caused was by people not God. However, the question always lingers as to  why He allowed it. When this plan b seemed to fall apart I was very angry( and still dealing with this). ( could write more on was this my plan, God's plan..... but will not today)

Anyhow..... so how now do I trust and let go believing that God will come through? Even though Plan B was going into ministry I grew to love that Plan B. Even though I choose to leave, I felt I had to leave for a lot of reasons. So I guess now we are in Plan C. And what do I do what that? I have been trying to 'keep control."  It's not working. I have tried to "fix" the wrong done to our family and can't. I have tried to think of ways to go back to Plan B but that doesn't work either. So I do not have any control, which makes me angry, disappointed and fearful for the future.

So today's readings were tough for me. One quote really struck home.

" Your dreams may not be happening and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control, it just means you're not in control."

It so feels like it is spinning out of control. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming, the anger is crippling. So I keep reading. Another one:

"When life doesn't turn out the way you thought it was going to turnout, you may think your losing control. But the truth is you never had control in the first place. The only thing you control is how you respond to your disappointments and your unexpected obstacles." 

He goes on to say that you can react in three ways:

1. allow the fear, anger disappointment to control you. (will affect everyone and everything around you)

2. Keep trying harder ( wear yourself out)

3. Let it be and let God be in control ( trust)

So..... good words to read. throughout we are reminded to remember when God was faithful. To look for those signs in the midst of the hard times. 

I will keep praying for more trust. For me this is the only option. I do know that there is a God. He has been faithful to me and my family many times. I still don't have answers. I will continue to pray for my family and maybe stop trying so hard to "fix" the things that only God can heal. I will try to live in this Plan right now and accept it, trusting God with our future. 

There was a prayer written at the end of this chapter that I will leave you with. I really liked it and think it sums up a lot of what I am feeling today.

Father, it is so difficult to let go of my own plan for my life and surrender to your plan B. Please help me learn to stop grasping for control. Help me let go of the anger , pain, disappointment and fear that have overtaken me and negatively impacted my life. Help me learn to respond to you with a willing heart. I trust you ,Lord. Please increase my trust. I ask that you walk closely with me through this week and continue the healing process that will help me to walk freely and joyfully in your plan B. I ask these things in the name of Jesus. 

Holding on to Hope

Yesterday I went to the christian bookstore, knowing I had a few days off ahead of me and wanting to take time to do a real good study. I knew my soul needed it. As I looked around a book called "Plan B" caught my attention. It had a study guide with it too ( and was really on sale!) The one line on the front of the book resonated with my heart. " When God doesn't show up the way you though He would."  Well, I bought it. So glad I did. As I read the first chapter and watched the first video segment I thought how nice and refreshing to hear a pastor state that it is okay to question God when dreams are shattered, when bad things happen. I have always loved the Psalm's of David, his honesty, his anger and his grief that he lets God hear. The author of this book, Pete Wilson, so far has drawn from the psalms.  The thought that most of us at some point in life have felt this way. The wondering why the plans we thought ( and for many of us we thought God had for us too) were meant to be just don't happen or fall apart. Sometimes it is because of our own choices, but many times it is not. So for those that say 'you just weren't trusting enough' or ' you are being punished' they I don't think know their theology that well. Like the young couple whose baby dies hours after being born or the broken marriage because one partner cheated. Or the child who chooses a bad path even after much love and support. These are questions that I don't think anyone has answers for. 

These questions can cause us to doubt God, doubt his goodness and love. This is normal. This study is to help a person reflect and name their anger and doubt, to be honest with themselves, God and a caring community.  To take time and walk through the hurt, but also keep crying out, seeing how God has been faithful and trusting that he will continue to be faithful for the future and especially during the storms.

One thing in the first segment that really struck me was the pastors honesty with it isn't so much that he doesn't believe in God. He knows he is real and experience his love and grace too many times to not believe. It is believing that a loving God would allow so much pain and suffering. Especially when people are trusting. How do you wrestle with this? That is where I am at and have been for awhile. 

I believe I am totally in a 'plan b" for my life. This is not where I expected to be.  Some because of my own choices, but other things that were totally out of my control and things I would not have expected or wanted for me and my family. There has been alot of pain in the last few years ( yes before we left ministry too so this is not because we left ministry) Some of the pain is from what happened while in ministry which causes me to question why wasn't God protecting my family. Actually, looking back I see coming 'home' has allowed for the hurt to come to the surface and be named so what I saw as a hard time ( leaving full time ministry) actually allowed for truth to surface and hopefully we are on a road to healing ( although it doesn't feel like it)as a family. 

I would recommend this book to everyone, especially those who need reminding that it is ok to be honest  to keep crying out to God. 

 

Psalm 142:13 spoke to me today

" I cry out tot he Lord/I plead for the Lord's mercy/I pour out my complaints before him/I tell him my troubles/when I am overwhelmed You alone know the way  I should turn."

I also found a song ( kind of by accident while looking for another one) but this one is so good. Maybe it will speak to your heart too.  

I am thankful for the glimpses of sunshine. I realize there are still storms to come but I am grateful for how I have seen God's hand many times during these last few years. 

"Your hand is still holding me even when I don't believe."

http://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw

If anyone is interested in maybe doing this study with me just let me know.Would be glad to share. 

Jen Loner