Well.... since I wrote last at the end of August, a lot has happened. Really all since January. This last season was not only a long hard winter weather wise but emotionally for the Loner household.
Alicia did get through her first year of University and loved it! She is taking an extra intensive course next week so will be home the middle of May. She did get home for just about a month at Christmas which was great! She has made many new friends and kept wonderful old friendships. It is an answer to prayer how much she has enjoyed her year.
Cory is doing well, although has had rough winter. Thankfully he asked for help and we were able to get him on track and he is doing much better. He has a job interview this Sunday which we are really praying he gets at the local YMCA. His health has been okay, although the last check up there are some new polyps growing so he will be having another ct scan to assess what is happening. It is not like it was before so that is good. He may need surgeries every once in while throughout his life to ensure the infection does not come back like before. Trying to look at the bright side that at least they will be able to control it. He says he is feeling well. He will be going into grade 12 next year!! Thinking about our local college Loyalist.
Paul and I are waiting to get our on our bike. A couple of small trips ( but too cold) and then April hit us with a few storms in our life so we haven't been out. The beginning of April was when Cory really needed help. Then our step dad Doug who was battling cancer, became worse very quickly and passed away on April 15th. In the midst of this our precious puppy Zacchaues had been getting sicker. It started with a little lump on his nose which we thought got better with meds, however after Christmas it was back. He was on meds again for a longer time. It did not get better. We think it was cancer. The vet agreed that it most likely was cancer and nothing we could do for him. He was in pain and not enjoying life.
It just felt like, in all of this, God was far away. I was very angry. I had prayed for my boy continually and he still was struggling. Why wasn't God listening? I know, even as I write this some of the answers people may have for me. But for me at that time I was so frustrated. Then to watch my mother in law, who is so amazing struggle with her memory and losing her partner. She is one of the most compassionate and loving people I know. So hard to see her struggle. Then my puppy. I know he is a dog, but to us he was part of our family. We got him during a tough time in ministry and he so made us laugh. He was so loving. He was only 10. In the middle of all of this hearing also that Cory is not all better physically and will have to deal with the sinus issues all his life. Just a bit too much.
Thankfully I had some wonderful people in my life who supported me and loved me. They didn't give the typical answers like " it happens for a reason", or " this will make you stronger." Those answers do not even come close to giving any comfort when you are hurting bad. What did help was them constantly reaching out saying I care. Just listening and not telling me as I wrong to feel what I was feeling. Yes, they still reminded me that God has not left me, but not only with words but in practical ways.
One friend, who didn't even know all my thoughts as I had not replied to her messages or calls, felt that God was telling her to write me a letter. When I finally did talk to her she asked to share the letter which she had written the week before. This was at my low point which was at the beginning of the month. I was pretty mad at God and didn't see an end to the hurt and hard times. I still loved God, just was mad. Her letter was so right on the mark to what I had been saying privately to God. The letter confirmed God heard me and still loved me dearly.There is no way she knew herself to write that. I am so thankful that my friend cared, listened and took time to share with me.
We managed to weather the storm with Cory, been able to be with Noreen as Doug passed and care for family and yesterday say good bye to our precious puppy.
I am thankful that my mom in law seems to be doing better now. Cory is doing much better. Alicia will be home soon for a bit. We did put our puppy down yesterday which was harder than I thought it would be, but we didn't want him in pain. I am trying to focus on the 10 years of fun we had with him. We still have Maximus who seems to be doing okay without his buddy.
I guess one of things the I have learned through this tough season is the importance of taking time for those around you that are in their own storm and the importance of letting others help you when you are in yours. To really be aware when God is nudging you to help another person. I am so thankful for those that kept caring. I still have a lot of questions for God, but I know without a doubt, that he was with me each step through those beautiful women in my life who loved me for me.
And of course I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who never leaves my side. Who walks with me in this time of grief and loss as my partner and allows himself to also feel and be real. Trying hard to just stick together, cry together and hopefully start laughing together again. Hopefully May will not only bring sunshine and warm weather but sunshine for our souls.
I guess my point of sharing is to give hope to those who may be walking in the midst of loss and hard times. Keep crying out to God. He does hear. He does care. If you need someone just to listen I can do that. I have no answers, but I care.
Also to remind us to look for those that need that person just to love them. Just a hug or a phone call can make such a difference. A meal brought over is awesome when families are struggling.
And most of all remember God hearts grieves with ours. He can hold us up when we feel our legs ( and our hearts) giving out.
Isaiah 41:10, 13 fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand … For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who
say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”
