Being and doing

Well, it has been a while since I posted anything. I have had alot of thoughts, however it has taken over a week to work through them. The sadness as I call it was really trying to take over my thoughts. Although in the midst of this we celebrated Cory's 14th birthday and enjoyed a good family weekend. I think that as I struggled, God continued to bless me with my family, showing me that I am loved,needed and most of all wanted. I am so grateful for them and love them dearly.

So... some of my struggles I will share. Maybe you can relate. We are at a place where we have to decided where to commit to a church. I have been struggling with not "doing." I grew up in the Salvation Army where doing is prominent. The Salvation Army is a wonderful organisation and church that is well know for its acts of kindness and giving. I loved being part of it. I have also felt like I was to help people so it was a good fit for me. There was always alot to do in the Army and still is. This past year of not "doing" in the way I am used to has proven to be hard for me. I do believe God is telling me he wants be to just "be" for this time. Just this morning my devotion was entitled  BE Still. I have been praying that God would show be clearly where he wants my family to worship. I would love to go back to the Army and be part of worship. I know that there is ministry I could be part of. It would be familiar and that is how I always thought I pleased God.  But there is still some healing to be done in my heart in regards to the Army. My family has enjoyed another church and are actually listening and liking the sermons. I think we all have hurts from the Army and although this is my home church, maybe I need to step back for a bit. One of my biggest prayers is that my kids will know God personally and want to worship and this seems to be more possible at another church for this time.  Paul is so great to be patient and work through this with me. He just wants to do what is best for our family. Although it is hard for me to sit in the congregation, maybe that is what my kids need. For me to be there with them just as my heavenly Father just wants me to sit with Him. Maybe He is tired of watching me run around trying to impress Him with my works. He just wants my time just as I love when my kids just want to be home with me.
    I felt like I was to look on my book shelf this morning. I told myself you are crazy, you know nearly every book on there, but I looked anyhow as when I have been told in the past to look there was a reason. Immediately my gaze fell to Max Lucado'sIn the Grip of Grace. I thought that is odd as I have not read all that book yet and it is on my favorite topics, Grace. So I start reading. He talks about 4 brothers. The jist of the parable taken from Romans is that only one brother accepts grace. When I was reading about the Legalistic brother I was floored to realise I could relate. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand legalism. But Lucado points out that when we are legalistic we are trying to work our way to God's grace. This can either lead to despair or arrogance. I have never been able to stand those who stand up with chests puffed out saying look at how great I am and don't believe I fall into that category (although I think of have done this with God). But oh how I could relate to feeling despair. Despair that I will never gain God's favor, especially since I left full time ministry and most of all the Salvation Army. I know I should know better. I know my scriptures fairly well.  I know what God's word says about grace and works ( as my husband pointed out to be last night) Our main theme in ministry has been preaching and most of all showing grace. Telling everyone else that God loves them just because but never taking it to heart for myself.  But... years of thoughts are hard to change. Maybe that is one of the reasons we are in the season of change. For me to know that God's grace is free to me without works. So my heart will start to believe this! I hope this is true. Even as I write I am guarding my heart. Questioning in my head is it okay to enjoy this time with my kids, to make them and Paul my priority? To love the kids at the ROC?To care for the women and kids at the shelter and Bayfield? Is this enough? The thought that just popped into my head is it is fine even without those jobs. I think maybe God doesn't need be to there but has given them to me as He knows my heart and the desire to care for others.  
Hmmm,  lots of thoughts. Some may think I am crazy and that is okay. Some days I feel like I am!! But writing honestly helps me and maybe there is someone else out there struggling with this same issue of being and doing. If so I hope and pray you are able to work it out with your God. Thankfully He is patient and just wants to hear from us.

Just some thoughts from my little Haven in Hillier that I am truly grateful for!

Blessings,

Jen