Easter Thoughts from the Loners

Well..... it has been a while since I last wrote. Life had been busy as usual up until March 13, 2020 ....  The day that our world as we have known it slowed down. 

We had just went to Toronto for the For King and Country Concert. Up until the day before we weren't too concerned. Yes there was a virus in China and Italy but nothing major here. It was just people travelling. So we traveled to Toronto that Friday morning a little concerned, but not too much.
I remember going up in the car and the news about this virus almost seem to be exploding. Places were being closed down. I was on a chat with other people going to this concert right up until an hour before waiting ( and hoping) it would be cancelled so we wouldn't have to make the decision.  We decided to go and not take transit, stay in our seats during intermission and leave right away.  That night at midnight almost all entertainment venues got closed.

We came home to a new reality.... one that we are all now facing and have been for one day short a month.

For us it means changes for the whole family. Since I last wrote, mom and dad now live with us. They took over Alicia and Brock's space.  It didn't make sense for them to rent a whole house when we have all this space. Alicia and Brock own their own home ( thankfully just in Trenton) and Cory is living in a nice place in Belleville that has a 4 other people and where he can have his dog.  We are used to seeing Alicia at least a few times a week for supper as Brock works nights. Cory usually would come on weekends or mid week for a night and stay.  That is not happening now. I only get to see my kids for a moment in their driveways if I stop and take them things. ( my way of feeling like I am still taking care of them a bit)
Mom and dad now live with us. They shouldn't be going out at all.  That is hard for them. It should be a time of getting ready for trailer but now cant do until this virus gets under control.
Paul has had to close shop right at the time that it gets the busiest. The shelter and second stage still have to be managed but differently. I am not able to just stay home but am thankful I am home more than not.

Anyhow.... life has changed and this Easter morning ,as we went for a walk ,we both had some thoughts. Thoughts that helped our hearts and we thought they may help yours too.

First, I am thankful this morning that we had time to walk together. That doesn't happen much when life is busier.  We had just finished participating in a service over zoom with our church family. Another thing to be thankful for...connection.

It is a balmy 10 outside today. Another thing to be thankful for.

We decided to hike down the millennium  trail, an  old train track that has been made into a trail.  We walked to one of my favorite spots in the woods. As we  were walking I noticed how little shoots of green were becoming noticeable. That some trees have buds on them.

As we got into the woods we noticed that, although it seemed dark and dreary at spots, the further ahead we could see nice green space.  As we walked closer to that space you gradually could see more green cropping up to the surface.

We thought this is like life right now..... and like our Easter Story.

It is dark .... lots of tangled messes around us to be seen....feels scary and doesn't look great. Its muddy and feels not so comfortable.  Much like Good Friday and Silent Saturday that we were just reminded of.

Paul noticed the thorns right beside the nice new green buds. As the pictures shows we can focus on the thorns .....allow the darkness.... the constant news to permeate our hearts. I know for me that causes my anxiety to rise to whole new level.   Maybe you are there.....it is hard not to be if you are an essential worker. I find the days I have to go to work,  or even to the grocery store,   harder each day not focusing on the dark.  I think of my friend Gail who sent me a picture of her attire as a nurse on a cancer ward right now.  Hard to not physically see the change and fear that this virus is causing when you are faced with it daily with mask and goggles on . My heart goes out to her and all the medical people on the very front lines. So I'm not saying it easy not to focus on the thorns , but I am saying that we can hopefully stop and refocus when life gets overwhelming.

What happens if we change the focus to the green shoots? The thorns are not gone, but they are blurry. Paul says it is called the depth of view.( He is so much smarter than me). Its where you place the focus in your life's picture.

I think of my friend Gail again, who said that after her shift on Friday night at the hospital ( and her birthday) she was able to put on the Chris Tomlin service on her phone and how it was the best part of her birthday. She allowed herself to hear from her God and rest her weary soul. That was her choice to take time after a dark day, a choice to refocus.

What green shoots can we focus on..... for us it is technology so we can stay connected, it is extra time for each other that we normally don't take. It is enough money to be okay and also thankful that I still have my job and a boss that is very understanding of her staff. That my parents are safe here with us.

Maybe for you it is quality time with kids, a safe home to stay in and enough food to get by. Maybe you are taking taking time to connect through technology, talk to some friends and families you haven't had time for. Many churches are offering services and special music to help us be reminded that God is still in control and we are not alone.

You see Easter reminds us of one very important thing.....hope..... we have hope because we have Christ who changed the focus.  We have hope for a future, heaven where we won't have sickness and darkness because Jesus died for our sins and rose again allowing us the hope of eternity.

We have hope that as we continue this journey here on earth that we are never alone. My devotion this morning left this beautiful thought
"Hold my hand in deliberate dependence on me, I will smooth out the path before you."
That is what Jesus does for us. Smoothing the path may be giving you a  peace in the midst of the chaos, helping you see the green newness and focusing our minds and hearts on hope.

It doesn't mean you still won't have some bad days.... I have had my share and am realistic that I will have more. But I know I can share honestly with others, go to God in prayer, listen to my music and allow the hope of Christ to fill my soul once again.  We may need more and more times like this to stay steady for this time. I know I do.

The main point of this little talk.... we have hope. Like the picture showed, we may be in the darkness but there is green coming!
Keep praying for a vaccine. Keep praying for patience for those loved ones that you are isolated with, and the people you would like to be with( pray even for those you wouldn't want to be with).... keep the focus on the right things. We will come out of this, maybe with new perspectives and priorities for an even better life.

fa

Christmas Thoughts

It is Christmas Time!! Even though the ground does not have snow and it is so mild out, you can tell it is Christmas time. There is a presence in the air that says this time of year is different.  I watch as people give to our shelter to ensure that the women and children who are experiencing hard times this season, know that they are cared for and matter. There is an excitement as we get ready to come together with family. Our girl comes home in 3 days!! There are parties to go too.
  All of this is great and I love it, but I think for this year I needed a much needed reminder that God is with us. I love that the Christmas carols are on. Good to hear that Christmas is about God is with us. Emmanuel did come, and He is still with us today. I was on my way to work on Saturday and I put in old c.d. On came Amy Grant's God is with us. Such a beautiful song. The chorus states:
God is in us
God is for us
God is with, our Emmanuel.

So often we can go about life and wonder where is God is all of it? Is He really for us? Yes He is. I have seen God in our own little family. Things that others may call coincidences I call God moments.  The right people in our world at the right time. The scripture in devotions that I needed for that day to help me keep having hope and reminding me to love. That God loves my people even more than me and He will help me have the patience and love I need.  We are reminded this season that love, grace , mercy and forgiveness is so important for our own hearts as well the hearts of people we come in contact with daily.

 I am grateful this season that my boy is home,  making better choices and that I have seen God's hand in His world. Will keep praying!! Grateful my girl is nearly done university and I see her making good choices. Will keep praying also for her future.  I am grateful for family that supports us continually. For my amazing hubby.  Trying to trust that my God is for me and I need not fear the future. ( some days easier than others)

I realise that Christmas is hard for many. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, for those that may not have family support. For those that are going through sickness with loved ones and may not have that child at home this year. It is harder to see God in these times, but He is there.

I think it is our responsibility to make sure people are not alone at Christmas. Open your home up. If you have family, share them.

This year the Loner house is having soup and turkey sandwiches on all day Christmas Day. All are welcome. We may be in our pjs when you come, but that's okay. You can wear yours too!!

Wherever you are on your journey this Christmas, remember God is with us, He is for us!

I can breathe!

Well, it has been about a month since my last post and I can't say the road has been any less rocky. If anything a bit more. However, I was driving to work this morning I was reminded once again through music that all is well. I was starting to think in the quiet of the car and had to remind myself to take a deep breathe. I was starting to worry. I thought, put some music on so I put my cd on which happen to be David Crowder. I selected random and on came  Here's my life Lord. Beautiful song I have listened to many times, but still exactly what I needed this morning.
The words spoke to my heart in so many ways. First, right at the beginning " Here's my heart Lord." God knows my hurting heart, He knows my cares and concerns.  It goes on to say "Speak what is true." I have found myself too many times listening to lies like it is never going to get better, you weren't good enough, the situation is impossible and no one really cares, you don't matter. I so needed to be reminded to listen for the truth which the song then states. It says,

Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

I was reminded that I am loved and cared for. That I can take that deep breath, relax and allow God's love to speak to my heart. To offer up my cares because He does care.  The song goes on to says,

Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

I believe God gives us special people to help us remain strong, to show His love and concern to us. There are little lights of love breaking through whether it has been a reassuring hug or just an encouragement that I am not alone in this. He uses His word and music to bring hope.

So whatever you are going through, ask God to speak the truth to your heart. Be assured that even when all around you seems wrong that He is still good. He is still true. His heart grieves for us. Look for the ways He tries to bring healing to your heart and love. Maybe stop and be that person He uses for someone else. We can still be wounded healers, still caring for others while we have our own struggles. 

I will link this song to this. Take time and let your heart relax, just breathe!

Love and Prayers,

Jen

Rocky roads

Well. I haven't blogged for a while, but I have had lots of thoughts. I think I don't blog as I should as I don't want to seem too real, or be judged. But I think I have come to a point where this doesn't matter anymore. God keeps giving me words, so I will write them down. I am not a very good writer but I like to write, so I will as long as He gives me the thoughts! Very grateful for friends who just said write and encouraged me to get blogging again. So here I go with a thought that I have been mulling around in my head. Actually, I went on facebook and my cousin had posted a song No Longer Slaves by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser. It states, " I am no longer a slave, I am a child of God.  How appropriate for this day as I sit wondering how someone very important and dear to me is doing.. Will they be ok? What more can I do? My anxiety is high today.  I do believe God is in all this. What worries me is how we as humans always have a choice. God can keep giving us signs and opportunities, but we have to choose to see and take them. It is so hard to try and sit back and allow our loved ones to make their own choices. To not become a slave to fear, to the unknown. To not let it cripple us.
It is like being on the motorbike the other night. I was afraid!! It was my first time on a path. I liked driving on the side road that was smooth. I could manage that, but as we drove on this path the rocks became bigger and it was harder to drive. I felt like I didn't have the control I needed. I couldn't go my nice safe speed or I would fall. At one point I wanted to give up. I stopped ( and of course stalled the bike). I told Paul I didn't like this and wanted to go home.  He encouraged me that the bike was made for this. It would go find on the rocks as long as I kept my speed up. To just move with the bike and keep going.  He promised he was right there and  I would be okay.If I did fall he would be there to help me up and keep going. He knew what he was talking about. So I tried again. One reason because I knew this meant so much to him. He had rebuilt this bike just for me. He knew once I overcame my fear I would love it. Also, not far up was a beautiful lake with our path down the middle that Cory had found a few nights before. He reminded me we were over halfway through. So I did. I was scared but the ride back was easier as I got used to the bike and the speed. I also knew Paul was right there.I know that Paul and I will have many bike rides together. I imagine I will fall ( hopefully not break anything major!). I know we will also find smooth paths that I will love and see scenery and nature that will be beautiful.
As I was speeding along ( praying I wouldn't fall) I thought this was much like life, even the christian life. At first the idea of being a christian is great,  that peace you get, the high of realizing you are not
 alone and feeling the Holy Spirit fill you is awesome.Of feeling made new. Of being loved.  You think " I can do this." This is going to be awesome. Then life hits. the road gets rocky.  It can get down right scary. You are holding on for dear life, but sometimes you just want to say I can't hold on anymore. The fear is so overwhelming, whether it is your own world you are worried for or a loved ones.  We always have a choice. To stop and give up. To say I am done. I can't do this. Or we can keep going, driving ahead, praying and reaching out to God for strength and help.
Because you see Jesus is there beside you.He is saying " I planned this life for you. It is okay. There is beauty just up around the corner. I'm here if you do fall, to help you back up. Let's keep going together."  If we quit our walk with God then we will miss out on the beauty He has planned for us.
And  know that as I walk this christian walk, I will continue to have rocky roads. Yes some days are great. I see answered prayers, I see the beauty of nature that only my God could have created. I am so thankful for all that has been provided for us. For a great job with beautiful women who care for our community, for my awesome partner in life. I could go on and on.( the posts you see on facebook:)
Then there are times of sadness, of heartache where the road just seems to be getting too rocky. ( the ones we often don''t talk about)Today is one of those days. So...back to the song. I want to be able to sing it out. To say that I am not longer a slave to fear, but honestly I am afraid. My heart is hurting and so want God to just come in and make things all better. I have to just keep praying, believing God is bigger than any of my fears. He can handle my loved one. ( I just know my loved one is stubborn!!)
So I will think and listen to the words of the song:
You unravel me, with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance, from my enemies 
Till all my fears are gone

I’m no longer a slave to fear 
I am a child of God

From my Mother's womb 
You have chosen me
Love has called my name 
I’ve been born again, into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

I am surrounded by the arms of the Father
I am surrounded by songs of deliverance
We've been liberated from our bondage
We're the sons and the daughters
Let us our sing our freedom

You split the sea, so I could walk right through it
All my fears were drowned in perfect love 
You rescued me, so I could stand and sing 
I am child of God

https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5khttps://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k


God knows my heart. He knows my concerns for my loved one. He made them too and I believe has chosen them. That is why there is such a fight for their heart. I will keep praying, knowing that God loves the one I love even more than me. i will try to let God's love drown out this awful fear. I will keep going!
Praying that whatever people are going through today, that you know that you have a God who loves you, that He is there through the rocky roads and the smooth ones. We need to remember that we will have sun shiny days in among the rocky darker days, but even more importantly an eternity in heaven with our God.

( Glad I didn't give up the other night.I would have missed this.Beautiful!)

Let it be

Well.... I continue my study based on the book Plan b. The first session was nice. I can handle reading about hope. But this session was about control. Not so nice.

I admit  I like control. I think it is safe to say I come from family of strong women who, yes, we like to have control.  Often I would think of it as being attentive to our children or spouses. It is because we care so much for them, which is true and a good thing. However, it is very hard to handle when our plans don't fall into place. Needless to say I do not do well with Plan B's ( or C or d for that matter!)

I remember when we both realized we were called to full time ministry. That was a hard one. Oh I struggled, I cried, I was even angry for a while. But we listened and 'let go" and went. In my head and heart all I asked was that my family be safe. That this wouldn't affect my kids negatively. As I write a lot of feeling come to the surface but I won't go into them. The bottom line is my kids were not kept safe. God didn't do what I wanted him to do and I just don't get why. These are my kids. They did nothing wrong. They are good kids. So I took control. I left ministry before they could be hurt more and that was before I even knew how much they were affected. ( only one of the reasons for leaving) I do understand that the hurt caused was by people not God. However, the question always lingers as to  why He allowed it. When this plan b seemed to fall apart I was very angry( and still dealing with this). ( could write more on was this my plan, God's plan..... but will not today)

Anyhow..... so how now do I trust and let go believing that God will come through? Even though Plan B was going into ministry I grew to love that Plan B. Even though I choose to leave, I felt I had to leave for a lot of reasons. So I guess now we are in Plan C. And what do I do what that? I have been trying to 'keep control."  It's not working. I have tried to "fix" the wrong done to our family and can't. I have tried to think of ways to go back to Plan B but that doesn't work either. So I do not have any control, which makes me angry, disappointed and fearful for the future.

So today's readings were tough for me. One quote really struck home.

" Your dreams may not be happening and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control, it just means you're not in control."

It so feels like it is spinning out of control. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming, the anger is crippling. So I keep reading. Another one:

"When life doesn't turn out the way you thought it was going to turnout, you may think your losing control. But the truth is you never had control in the first place. The only thing you control is how you respond to your disappointments and your unexpected obstacles." 

He goes on to say that you can react in three ways:

1. allow the fear, anger disappointment to control you. (will affect everyone and everything around you)

2. Keep trying harder ( wear yourself out)

3. Let it be and let God be in control ( trust)

So..... good words to read. throughout we are reminded to remember when God was faithful. To look for those signs in the midst of the hard times. 

I will keep praying for more trust. For me this is the only option. I do know that there is a God. He has been faithful to me and my family many times. I still don't have answers. I will continue to pray for my family and maybe stop trying so hard to "fix" the things that only God can heal. I will try to live in this Plan right now and accept it, trusting God with our future. 

There was a prayer written at the end of this chapter that I will leave you with. I really liked it and think it sums up a lot of what I am feeling today.

Father, it is so difficult to let go of my own plan for my life and surrender to your plan B. Please help me learn to stop grasping for control. Help me let go of the anger , pain, disappointment and fear that have overtaken me and negatively impacted my life. Help me learn to respond to you with a willing heart. I trust you ,Lord. Please increase my trust. I ask that you walk closely with me through this week and continue the healing process that will help me to walk freely and joyfully in your plan B. I ask these things in the name of Jesus. 

Holding on to Hope

Yesterday I went to the christian bookstore, knowing I had a few days off ahead of me and wanting to take time to do a real good study. I knew my soul needed it. As I looked around a book called "Plan B" caught my attention. It had a study guide with it too ( and was really on sale!) The one line on the front of the book resonated with my heart. " When God doesn't show up the way you though He would."  Well, I bought it. So glad I did. As I read the first chapter and watched the first video segment I thought how nice and refreshing to hear a pastor state that it is okay to question God when dreams are shattered, when bad things happen. I have always loved the Psalm's of David, his honesty, his anger and his grief that he lets God hear. The author of this book, Pete Wilson, so far has drawn from the psalms.  The thought that most of us at some point in life have felt this way. The wondering why the plans we thought ( and for many of us we thought God had for us too) were meant to be just don't happen or fall apart. Sometimes it is because of our own choices, but many times it is not. So for those that say 'you just weren't trusting enough' or ' you are being punished' they I don't think know their theology that well. Like the young couple whose baby dies hours after being born or the broken marriage because one partner cheated. Or the child who chooses a bad path even after much love and support. These are questions that I don't think anyone has answers for. 

These questions can cause us to doubt God, doubt his goodness and love. This is normal. This study is to help a person reflect and name their anger and doubt, to be honest with themselves, God and a caring community.  To take time and walk through the hurt, but also keep crying out, seeing how God has been faithful and trusting that he will continue to be faithful for the future and especially during the storms.

One thing in the first segment that really struck me was the pastors honesty with it isn't so much that he doesn't believe in God. He knows he is real and experience his love and grace too many times to not believe. It is believing that a loving God would allow so much pain and suffering. Especially when people are trusting. How do you wrestle with this? That is where I am at and have been for awhile. 

I believe I am totally in a 'plan b" for my life. This is not where I expected to be.  Some because of my own choices, but other things that were totally out of my control and things I would not have expected or wanted for me and my family. There has been alot of pain in the last few years ( yes before we left ministry too so this is not because we left ministry) Some of the pain is from what happened while in ministry which causes me to question why wasn't God protecting my family. Actually, looking back I see coming 'home' has allowed for the hurt to come to the surface and be named so what I saw as a hard time ( leaving full time ministry) actually allowed for truth to surface and hopefully we are on a road to healing ( although it doesn't feel like it)as a family. 

I would recommend this book to everyone, especially those who need reminding that it is ok to be honest  to keep crying out to God. 

 

Psalm 142:13 spoke to me today

" I cry out tot he Lord/I plead for the Lord's mercy/I pour out my complaints before him/I tell him my troubles/when I am overwhelmed You alone know the way  I should turn."

I also found a song ( kind of by accident while looking for another one) but this one is so good. Maybe it will speak to your heart too.  

I am thankful for the glimpses of sunshine. I realize there are still storms to come but I am grateful for how I have seen God's hand many times during these last few years. 

"Your hand is still holding me even when I don't believe."

http://youtu.be/9KIhYZQ_ovw

If anyone is interested in maybe doing this study with me just let me know.Would be glad to share. 

Jen Loner

A Long Hard Winter in more than one way!!

Well.... since I wrote last at the end of August, a lot has happened. Really all since January. This last season was not only a long hard winter weather wise but emotionally for the Loner household.

Alicia did get through her first year of University and loved it! She is taking an extra intensive course next week so will be home the middle of May. She did get home for just about a month at Christmas which was great! She has made many new friends and kept wonderful old friendships. It is an answer to prayer how much she has enjoyed her year.

Cory is doing well, although has had rough winter. Thankfully he asked for help and we were able to get him on track and he is doing much better. He has a job interview this Sunday which we are really praying he gets at the local YMCA.  His health has been okay, although the last check up there are some new polyps growing so he will be having another ct scan to assess what is happening. It is not like it was before so that is good. He may need surgeries every once in while throughout his life to ensure the infection does not come back like before. Trying to look at the bright side that at least they will be able to control it. He says he is feeling well. He will be going into grade 12 next year!! Thinking about our local college Loyalist.

Paul and I are waiting to get our on our bike. A couple of small trips ( but too cold) and then April hit us with a few storms in our life so we haven't been out.  The beginning of April was when Cory really needed help. Then our step dad Doug who was battling cancer, became worse very quickly and passed away on April 15th. In the midst of this our precious puppy Zacchaues had been getting sicker. It started with a little lump on his nose which we thought got better with meds, however after Christmas it was back. He was on meds again for a longer time. It did not get better. We think it was cancer. The vet agreed that it most likely was cancer and nothing we could do for him. He was in pain and not enjoying life.

It just felt like, in all of this, God was far away. I was very angry. I had prayed for my boy continually and he still was struggling. Why wasn't God listening? I know, even as I write this some of the answers people may have for me. But for me at that time I was so frustrated. Then to watch my mother in law, who is so amazing struggle with her memory and losing her partner. She is one of the most compassionate and loving people I know. So hard to see her struggle. Then my puppy. I know he is a dog, but to us he was part of our family. We got him during a tough time in ministry and he so made us laugh. He was so loving. He was only 10. In the middle of all of this hearing also that Cory is not all better physically and will have to deal with the sinus issues all his life. Just a bit too much.

Thankfully I had some wonderful people in my life who supported me and loved me.  They didn't give the typical answers like " it happens for a reason", or " this will make you stronger." Those answers do not even come close to giving any comfort when you are hurting bad. What did help was them constantly reaching out saying I care. Just listening and not telling me as I wrong to feel what I was feeling.  Yes, they still reminded me that God has not left me, but not only with words but in practical ways.

One friend, who didn't even know all my thoughts as I had not replied to her messages or calls, felt that God was telling her to write me a letter. When I finally did talk to her she asked to share the letter which she had written the week before. This was at my low point which was at the beginning of the month. I was pretty mad at God and didn't see an end to the hurt and hard times.  I still loved God, just was mad. Her letter was so right on the mark to what I had been saying privately to God. The letter confirmed God heard me and still loved me dearly.There is no way she knew herself to write that. I am so thankful that my friend cared, listened and took time to share with me.

We managed to weather the storm with Cory, been able to be with Noreen as Doug passed and care for family and yesterday say good bye to our precious puppy.

I am thankful that my mom in law seems to be doing better now. Cory is doing much better. Alicia will be home soon for a bit. We did put our puppy down yesterday which was harder than I thought it would be, but we didn't want him in pain. I am trying to focus on the 10 years of fun we had with him. We still have Maximus who seems to be doing okay without his buddy.

I guess one of things the I have learned through this tough season is the importance of taking time for those around you that are in their own storm and the importance of letting others help you when you are in yours. To really be aware when God is nudging you to help another person. I am so thankful for those that kept caring. I still have a lot of questions for God, but I know without a doubt, that he was with me each step through those beautiful women in my life who loved me for me.

And of course I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who never leaves my side. Who walks with me in this time of grief and loss as my partner and allows himself to also feel and be real. Trying hard to just stick together, cry together and hopefully start laughing together again. Hopefully May will not only bring sunshine and warm weather but sunshine for our souls.

I guess my point of sharing is to give hope to those who may be walking in the midst of loss and hard times. Keep crying out to God. He does hear. He does care. If you need someone just to listen I can do that. I have no answers, but I care.

Also to remind us to look for those that need that person just to love them. Just a hug or a phone call can make such a difference.  A meal brought over is awesome when families are struggling.

And most of all remember God hearts grieves with ours. He can hold us up when we feel our legs ( and our hearts) giving out.

Isaiah 41:10, 13 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand … For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”